Bancul zilei

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1. de danone:
   
   Un faimos colectionar de arta se plimba pe strazile orasului, cand a vazut la usa unui mic anticariat o pisica mica si slaba care bea lapte dintr-o farfurioara. Privirea expertului nu se putea insela: farfurioara era o piesa foarte veche si deosebit de valoroasa, poate chiar piesa pe care o cautase intreaga viata. Incercand sa isi pastreze calmul, a intrat in magazin si i-a oferit proprietarului doi dolari pentru pisica, dar acesta a refuzat. Disperat, colectionarul a tot urcat pretul, pana la 20 de dolari. Vanzatorul a luat banii si i-a pus pisica in brate. Proaspatul proprietar al felinei s-a uitat la farfurioara si pe un ton nepasator a spus: - La pretul asta ati putea sa imi dati si farfurioara pisicii. S-a obisnuit cu ea si m-ar scuti si pe mine sa mai cumpar alta. Proprietaru l a refuzat vehement: - In nici un caz, nu o vand pentru nimic in lume! Este farfurioara mea norocoasa. Doar saptamana asta am vandut, la preturi foarte bune, 28 de pisici.
   2010-02-19, 00:16:14 (94.113.8.*)
2. de cod:
   
   Danone....si cum a fost ma la Zurich ?
   2010-02-19, 00:20:35 (86.126.14.*)
3. de danone:
   
   A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her." The boss says, "You f--k your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
   2010-02-19, 00:21:18 (94.113.8.*)
4. de danone:
   
   A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
   2010-02-19, 00:22:54 (94.113.8.*)
5. de danone:
   
   Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. "Sadness, " he replied. "The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. "Elation, " he replied. "The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas. The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
   2010-02-19, 00:24:17 (94.113.8.*)
6. de danone:
   
   Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars! "This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?" Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first." The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation. "Oka y, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
   2010-02-19, 00:25:34 (94.113.8.*)
7. de danone:
   
   Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...
   2010-02-19, 00:28:15 (94.113.8.*)
8. de danone:
   
   An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep, " the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep ," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies." "What' s a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
   2010-02-19, 00:29:38 (94.113.8.*)
9. de danone:
   
   A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The copper said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
   2010-02-19, 00:30:54 (94.113.8.*)
10. de danone:
    
    Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating. "Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked. "Nope." "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked. "Nope." "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed. "I'l l give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me." "Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
    2010-02-19, 00:32:19 (94.113.8.*)
11. de danone:
    
    With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
    2010-02-19, 00:33:35 (94.113.8.*)
12. de danone:
    
    The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
    2010-02-19, 00:35:37 (94.113.8.*)
13. de M.I.:
    
    Danone, ieri ai luat o absenta nemotivata. In zadar te-a aparat Dana. La a doua absenta nemotivata , te urechez de-ti suna apa in tatarcuta!!! Te iert acum, vad ca-ti facusi bine lectia, cu toate ca ai postat cam putine bancuri in engleza.
    2010-02-19, 01:37:12 (92.80.203.*)
14. de M.I.:
    
    O varianta a bancului cu gardul. Bula ,cu limba scoasa si umflata merge la doctor si-l roaga: " Doctore, am lins o p.....zda si mi-a intrat o teapa in limba, scoate-mi-o ". Doctorul, foarte mirat: "Bine,bine ca ai lins-o inteleg ,dar de unde naiba teapa?" Bula : "Poi era desenata pe un gard".
    2010-02-19, 01:50:55 (92.80.203.*)
15. de Craiovean:
    
    Cotcodaaaac! O gaina,cam posaca, Se privi,mirata-n c.loaca... Si-n cotetzu' baterie, Avu ,tam.p ,o reverie... Auzise ea-n poiata, C-ar avea viatza stresata.. Si,ca-n mediu' clarobscur, N-ar scoate ou bun pe c.u.r... De o zi,scarma mahnita Si cotcodacea scarbita: "Auzi,fa taaaaa,ce spun ei, Ou' meu,ar fi tip trei... Las',ca- l pun io pe Arvinte, Cocosu' nostru de curte, Sa mi-o tr.aga ca nebu.nu', Si-oi oua, doar de tip...unu... ps/O fff,nu stia ca Arvinte, Ragaia de-ngrasaminte... S i-i scazuse libidou' Asa ca,din su.la(cloa.ca) ou'..
    2010-02-19, 10:18:04 (79.117.210.*)
16. de cetateanul revoltat:
    
    pt danone:Mai schizofrenicule,mai dute ,doamne iartama si pe la alte ziare si mai lasane in pace cu tampeniile tale sau viziteaza un psihiatru.Chiar nu intelegi ca neam saturat de tine?
    2010-02-19, 12:15:25 (80.25.96.*)
17. de Craiovean:
    
    Vara trecuta,am luat taxiul(boier,ce mai)...Ca o paranteza-nu prea agreez taximetristii,mai ales ca-s tupeisti in trafic si vor sa aiba ei tot timpul dreptate.In sfarsit,nu asta e important.In Tico(asta era masina)caldura mare,de puteai sa-ti clocesti ouale.Spun destinatia si astept cuminte sa demareze.Cobor geamu' de la portiera si cu gandurile aiurea, deschid borseta sa verific daca n-am uitat ceva acasa. -Sunteti localnic?-ma sondeaza taximetristul -Da!- zic io,incercand sa prind rostul intrebarii -V-as face o propunere! -Ziceti! -V-ar interesa o aventura de o juma'de ora?Ceva femei! Hopa,zic io in gand,am dat de dreacu'!Asta imi baga precis o oferta la"scurt". -Dezvo lta subiectul-intru eu in joc,renuntand la apelativul dumneavoastra -Pai pentru 20 Roni,plus cursa,in cateva minute va fac rost de o prospatuara!Da' stiti,discutia ramane intre noi,nu mai stie altcineva! -Sa zicem ca as fi de acord,da care e locatia?continui eu,facandu-ma brusc interesat -In Tico(!?!),eu va duc intr-un loc neaglomerat,va las cu fata si dupa aia achitati banii! -Pai tu nu te uiti ca am 1,93?Cum facem treaba,ca nu e spatiu? -Asta se rezolva,rabatez io scaunele!Am si prezervativ,daca va intereseaza! Deja ma umfla rasul,da' incercam sa ma abtin.In final, ii zic ca nu pot,ca trebuie sa rezolv o urgenta si n-am timp.Aparent dezamagit,taximetris tul isi da seama ca afacerea esuase,imi ia banii de cursa si in final imi spune sa uit numarul de la masina.Orasul nu vi-l spun,din patriotism local.Da' ,cre ca-l banuiti...
    2010-02-19, 12:17:38 (79.117.150.*)
18. de M.I.:
    
    Dana , acum am inteles de ce il aperi pe Danone.
    2010-02-19, 18:41:57 (109.97.91.*)
19. de ari:
    
    Cui nu ii place ce scrie Danone si cu Dana sa nu mai citeasca, nu il obliga nimeni.
    2010-02-20, 11:04:53 (87.222.114.*)