Bancul zilei

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1. de danone:
   
   Un preot se despartea de parohia sa dupa multi ani de slujire. Pe langa masa de adio, s-au gandit sa-i faca si un cadou. Ca peste tot, a fost invitat si un politician sa spuna cateva cuvinte si sa-i inmaneze cadoul. Dar ca toti politicienii, a intarziat, si atunci parintele s-a gandit sa umple timpul cu un discurs: − Prima mea impresie despre parohia aceasta mi-am facut-o cu ocazia primei spovedanii. M-am gandit ca am fost trimis intr-un loc teribil deoarece primul care s-a spovedit mi-a marturisit ca furase un televizor, ca le-a furat banii parintilor, ca a mai furat si la locul de munca, pe langa faptul ca avea o aventura sexuala cu sotia sefului. In unele ocazii facea trafic si vanzare de droguri. Si la urma a zis ca i-a transmis o boala venerica sorei sale. Am ramas inmarmurit... stupefiat... si foarte speriat! Dar dupa aceea am cunoscut lume care nu semana deloc cu acest individ. Mai mult, pot sa spun ca a fost o parohie de oameni responsabili, cu valori morale, credinciosi, si ca am trait aici ani minunati! In acest moment soseste politicianul, asa ca l-au chemat repede sa ia cuvantul. Dupa ce s-a scuzat pentru intarziere a inceput astfel: − Niciodata n-am sa uit cand a venit parintele in parohie... De fapt, am avut onoarea sa fiu primul care s-a spovedit la el..._______________ ____Cativa politicieni, cam cu chef, fac un turneu electoral prin sate. Pe un drum de tara, masina se izbeste de un copac si accidentu-i gata. Aflat in trecere, un taran cu frica lui Dumnezeu ii aduna, ii ingroapa pe loc si isi vede de treaba. Dupa un timp, se observa lipsa politicienilor. Ancheta, reconstituire, interogatorii, etc. Anchetatorul il intreaba pe taran: -Cand ai sosit la locul accidentului mai era vreunul in viata? -Unii dintre ei ziceau ca sunt, dar poti sa-i crezi pe astia?!_____________ __A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?" One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"___________ _http://www.youtube. com/watch?v=VpOiqkLz l5Q
   2009-10-20, 00:38:54 (94.113.11.*)
2. de danone:
   
   The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Imposs ible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.' _____________The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"___________A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?" She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!" Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"____________P resedintele cu sotia se plimba la pas prin Bucuresti. La un moment dat, Traian Basescu se opreste brusc in fatza unei vitrine si exclama: - Ia uite, Marie, ce preturi: sacou-15 Roni, pantaloni-10 Roni, camasa-5 Roni. Si se mai plang toti de criza in loc sa-mi fie recunoscatori ca traiesc atat de bine ! La care consoarta, intrucatva jenata, ii spune: - Traiane, asta-i o spalatorie!
   2009-10-20, 00:44:36 (94.113.11.*)
3. de danone:
   
   Vara, la mare... Salvamarii ies in larg si striga spre un tip care inota: -Domnule vames, ati depasit geamandura! Tipul, nedumerit, intreaba: - Cum v-ati dat seama ca sunt vames? ca doar sunt in chiloti, ca toata lumea... -Dom'le, lumea obisnuita, cand inoata, da apa in lateral, mata o strangi la piept...____________ _______Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"_____________D uring the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens. Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune. But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"____________T he young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."___________Tw o mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard. Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy. The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good news and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone. "Well, give me the good news first," replied the other. "The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply. "And the bad news?" "Mine died"
   2009-10-20, 00:47:33 (94.113.11.*)
4. de danone:
   
   The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" "That 's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London" "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look""Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equip ment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod??? ??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" _________________Wh at do spaghetti and blondes have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them!
   2009-10-20, 00:49:40 (94.113.11.*)
5. de danone:
   
   A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders. "Where is God?" The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond. "Okay, Mary, Where is God?" "He is everywhere," "Very good that`s right." But still there were two children that didn`t put their hands down, so the teacher continued. "Okay , Michael, Where is God?" "God is inside me." "Very good that is right." Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him. "Okay, Danny, Where is God?" "He is in our bathroom." Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he is in the bathroom?" The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says, "My God are you still in there? "___________Marturi a presedintelui Clinton N-am facut-o in masina n-am facut-o in intuneric n-am facut-o in parc n-am facut-o la o intalnire n-am poftit niciodata la femeia altuia n-am facut-o la dans n-am facut-o in chilotii ei n-am facut-o pe fata ei n-am facut-o niciodata in pat Daca credeti asta, sunteti gresit informati n-am facut-o cu gemete n-am facut-o prin telefon nu i-am patat eu rochia eu nici macar nu l-am bombardadt pe Saddam Hussein n-am facut-o cu catuse n-am pipait-o niciodata pe Linda Tripp nu m-am purtat nicodata prosteste a fost o singura data cu Margaret Thatcher, am fugarit-o da n-am prins-o Nimic pervers, Doamne-fereste eu nici cu nevasta-mea Nu mi-am rugat prietenii sa minta pentru mine nu le-am pus la uscat nu le-am pus nu le-am pus in noiembrie trecut Si chair daca as fi facut asta, nu-mi aduc aminte n-am facut-o in hol, poate am facut-o, dar nu-mi aduc aminte n-am facut-o in biroul meu n-am facut-o niciodata cu cainele n-am facut-o niciodata cu ciorapii, cu pisica, poate odata, cu Arafat, n-am facut-o niciodata in graba n-am ciupit-o niciodata pe domnisoara Betty Cu`rie poate doar am pus mana Iar apoi am ascuns adevarul Dar niciodata nu am facut toate chestiile astea asa de tare Cel putin niciodata in pielea goala Astea pe care le-am marturisit Nu conteaza, fiindca eram imbracati N-am facut-o niciodata cu o tigara nu mi-am dat niciodata intalnire cu doamna Starr nu stiam ca pacatul asta asa neimportant o sa ajunga sa fie povestit pe CNN am incalcat niste chestii pe care mi le spusese mie mamica mea am incercat sa ma ascund da acu m-ati prins Insa va rog si va implor Nu condamnati nu acuzati poate am si eu o codita acolo dar nici odata niciodata n-am mancat usturoi.
   2009-10-20, 00:56:14 (94.113.11.*)
6. de danone:
   
   Cand doamna Ghandi s-a dus la Moscova,Khrushchev a luat-o in limuzina sa pentru un tur al orasului.Amintindu-s i de vizita sa in India, Khrushchev incepe sa ii creeze neplaceri povestindui de conditiile sanitare de acolo. "Cand am fost in Delhi, am vazut peste tot zacand excremente umane ." Saraca doamna Ghandi era teribil de stanjenita,dar doar pt un moment,pentru ca observa in fata un barbat stand pe ciuci, facandu-si nevoile pe marginea drumului.Doamna Ghandi il arata. Khrushchev era livid si fara ezitare spune : "Sofer, da-te jos si impusca-l imediat pe barbatul acela!" Soferul se da jos, se indreapta catre barbat cu pistolul scos,vorbeste scurt, si apoi se intoarce la masina. "Tovaras e Khrushchev, nu pot sa-l impusc pe barbatul acela, este ambasadorul Indiei."___________ _____Three guys are debating who has the best memory: Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class. Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School! Guy 3: Heck that's nuthin', I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother. ______________Naufra giaza un vas si scapa numai Ion si Claudia Schiffer. Se indragostesc Ion si Claudia, au partide fierbinti in fiecare zi, dar de la o vreme Ion e abatut si fara chef. Claudia il intreaba: - Pai bine ma Ioane, nu te iubesc eu pe tine, nu ti-am indeplinit cele mai ascunse fantezii? Ce ai de esti trist? Uite, ca sa iti treaca, iti promit ca accept sa fac ORICE, orice fantezie mai ai tu si nu am facut noi inca. - Esti sigura, Claudia? o intreaba Ion. - Hai Ioane, spune ce vrei, eu te iubesc si o sa fac. Ii pune atunci Ion o palarie in cap, ii minjeste niste mustati cu carbune pe fata si ii spune: Ba Vasile, stii cu cine o fac eu de 3 luni?______________c am atat pentru azi ...enjoy
   2009-10-20, 01:04:57 (94.113.11.*)
7. de punk:
   
   danone...eu sunt retardat...engleza ta imi da fiori...poate ca bacurile or fi fost faine , dar...why u dont write in romanian ? all ppl can understand that linguage
   2009-10-20, 11:01:29 (79.117.209.*)
8. de danone:
   
   @7: dar pe cele in romana nu le vezi ? :) .. sari peste cele in engleza ... nu cred ca e asa de greu
   2009-10-20, 11:58:05 (195.78.53.*)
9. de doar eu:
   
   incearca toti sa-i explice asta....dar el o tine una si buna ca anglo-analfabetzii sa nu citeasca....
   2009-10-20, 12:05:13 (79.117.210.*)
10. de danone:
    
    ghinion :)) ...... si nu am facut pe nimeni anglo-analfabet :) .. am oferit o solutie alternativa pentru traducere si nu o data .. de mai multe ori :)
    2009-10-20, 12:19:59 (195.78.53.*)
11. de doar eu:
    
    nici nu te-a acuzat cineva de chestia asta,era un termen peiorativ,de imagine...
    2009-10-20, 12:28:27 (79.117.210.*)
12. de francezu':
    
    Eu cred ca Danone posteaza si pentru cei care,ca si el,locuiesc in State si pot aprecia bancurile in limba engleza. Multe glume pierd din haz daca sunt traduse in alta limba. Sa auzim de bine !
    2009-10-20, 13:57:00 (90.0.89.*)
13. de kalle anka:
    
    si acu o sa vina neshte frustrati sa zica ca aia de locuiesc in state sa nu mai citeasca gazeta de sud, ai dracu' tradatori de patrie:)) da-i'nainte danone, nu te lua dupa maidanezi!
    2009-10-20, 16:08:42 (195.33.116.*)
14. de Mariyn:
    
    Bancurile in engleza au un umor greu de inteles (unele din ele). De ex. cel cu comandantul arab si israeliteanul. Unde-i poanta ? Erau doi, ce ??
    2009-10-20, 21:18:42 (213.233.90.*)