Bancul zilei

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1. de danone:
   
   Silvia din Iasi are o dilema si cere ajutorul specialistilor de la Playboy "Sunt singura de cateva luni bune de zile si in tot acest timp disperarea mea a crescut foarte mult. Ma si vedeam fata batrana, fara o familie si deprimata. In week-end-ul de 1 mai, am cunoscut doi barbati care s-au indragostit de mine. Mi-au facut pe rand o curte asidua, m-au asigurat de cele mai bune intentii si am facut sex cu amandoi. Primul are un Logan rosu si este agent de vanzari, iar al doilea are un Passat, fiind patronul unei firme mici. La pat sunt comparabili, dar parca cel cu Loganul a rezistat mai mult (era si un pic mai beat). Ma gasesc intr-o mare dilema: pe care dintre ei sa-i aleg?" Playboy-u l, prin gura lui Catalin Mihaila, ii raspunde: "E foarte simplu, Silvia. Trebuie vazut in ce stadiu sunt masinile: un Passat din 2000 luat de la cine stie ce arab din Germania poate valora mai putin decat un Logan 1.6 de 110 cai, nou. Fura cartea masinii la ambele autoturisme si verifica daca reviziile au fost facute la service-uri auto autorizate. Vezi ce uleiuri de motor folosesc (ieftinach e? out!). Un bun indicator este si carburantul cu care merg masinile. Posesorii de autoturisme pe motorina tind sa fie mai buni in pat dar infideli. Benzinarii sunt mai sportivi si apreciaza valori ca familie, prieteni, amor. Amatorii de motoare cu turbina incearca sa pacaleasca lumea. Cei care au sub capota peste 3000 cmc au penisul foarte mic. Daca nici aceste considerente de ordin general nu te-au convins, trebuie sa iei taurul de coarne si sa faci tu insati un drivetest cu fiecare automobil. Daca unul din ei ar fi avut un gip, alegerea ar fi fost mult mai usoara."__________B unicul îşi aniversează vârsta de 100 de ani şi este felicitat pentru sănătatea şi forma bună în care se află. - Domnilor, vă voi dezvălui secretul succesului meu, spune bunicul. Am făcut mişcare zilnic, timp de 75 de ani! Participanţii , profund impresionaţi, îl întreabă cum de a reuşit să menţină un program atât de riguros. - Foarte simplu, răspunde el. În noaptea nunţii am făcut un pact solemn cu soţia mea. De fiecare dată când ne certam, cel care greşea trebuia să iasă la o plimbare!__________- Taticule, tie ti s-a indeplinit vreo dorinta din copilarie? - Sigur ca da! Toata lumea ma tragea de par si doream enorm sa fiu chel..________Seara tarzie de toamna. Afara ploua mocaneste, o ploaie molcoma, maruntica si deasa... Mosul si baba, in pat, spate la spate. La un moment dat, se inteteste ploaia. Mosul zice: - Se-'ntari! Baba, repede: - Ma-ntorc?__________U n tip cu baietelul sau de 8 ani, intr-o sala de proces. In fata lor, cativa avocati in roba. -Tata, tata, de ce acesti domni sunt imbracati ca femeile? - Pai , stii, fiule, trebuie sa vorbeasca mult..._________Ce este impotenta? Este acel fenomen care apare cand forta de atractie a pamantului este mai mare decat forta de atractie a femeii...
   2009-07-08, 00:41:33 (62.24.89.*)
2. de danone:
   
   In ceea ce priveste femeile, inca de copil am fost mereu un dezastru...-zice un tip catre prietenul lui. Cand ne jucam de-a doctorul, pe mine ma puneau mereu sofer pe ambulanta...________ _- Stii ce e ala orgasm? - Nu. Dar tu, stii? - Nici eu. dar, trebuie sa fie ceva care alearga foarte repede, ca am auzit-o eu pe Alinutza ca nu reuseste sa-l ajunga niciodata...________ _Judecatorul la proces: - Fiind vinovat de bigamie, esti condamnat la zece ani de inchisoare. Dar, de ce razi? Acuzatul: - Mi-era teama ca ma achitati! __________Mitica, un barbat plapand, n-a prea avut noroc in casatorie. Prima lui sotie, activista de partid, noaptea in pat, ii tot spunea: "Mai mult si mai bine, Mitica!" A doua, era profesoara: "Repeta, Mitica!", ii tot spunea. A treia, farmacista, il innebunise: "Mitica, de trei ori pe zi: dimineata, la pranz si seara". Dar acum, cu a patra, a avut noroc: inginer agronom. A fost intelegatoare: "Mitica, numai cand poti; pt. restul, chemam soldatii si studentii!"________ _Intr-o dimineata, in timp ce luau micul dejun, o femeie ii spune spus sotului sau: -Fac pariu ca habar n-ai ce zi e astazi. - Cum sa nu stiu? o intreba el indignat. Cum crezi ca as fi putut uita?! Dupa ce a spus acestea, s-a ridicat de la masa si a plecat la lucru. La ora 10 dimineata suna cineva la usa. Femeia deschise si primi o cutie plina cu trandafiri rosii. La pranz primi o cutie din bomboanele ei preferate de ciocolata, iar mai tarziu un butic ii livra o rochie creata de un designer. Femeia de-abia astepta sa se intoarca sotul ei acasa. - Prima data florile, dupa aceea ciocolata si in cele din urma rochia!, exclama ea entuziasmata. N-am petrecut niciodata intr-un mod mai fascinant Ziua Mediului!_________- De cand nu mai bei Bula? il intreaba doctorul. - De cand a venit soacra-mea la noi. - Asta-i buna! Cum asa? - Pai, asta mi-ar mai lipsi, sa beau si sa o vad dublu!_________- Doctore, pot sa-i spun fratelui meu ca i-a murit soacra? - Desigur! E grav bolnav si o veste ca asta l-ar putea vindeca!________soma lezii merg la discoteca? ...merg, daca incolo bate vantul..._________Un roman , un american si un rus calatoreau impreuna. Din una in alta ajung sa se intrebe ce beau fiecare in tara lor si in afara. Catre american : - Ce beti voi la voi in tara ? - Whiskey ! -Si cand iesiti din tara ? - Numai whiskey! Catre rus: -Ce beti voi in Rusia ? - Vodka ! - Si cand iesiti din tara ? - Numai vodka ! Catre roman : - Ce beti voi in Romania ? - Vin! - Si cand iesiti din tara ? - Nu mai vin !___________Doi ţigani revin la domiciliu cu un sac de bancnote după ce au jefuit o bancă. - Gogule, hai să numărăm banii. - Las-o baltă Rupi, oricum aflăm suma de la ştiri.
   2009-07-08, 00:50:31 (62.24.89.*)
3. de danone:
   
   -ALO! -(in soapta) Daa... -MAI, E ACASA MAMICA? -(in soapta) Daaa.. -PAI, DA-MI-O SI MIE LA TELEFON! -(in soata) Nu poateee... -PAI DE CE? -(in soapta) E ocupata! -BINE, TATA ESTE? -(in soapta) Daaa... -PAI SA VINA EL ATUNCI! -(in soapta) Nu poateee... -DE CE? -(in soapta) E ocupat! -BUNICA, MATUSA... SUNT? -(in soapta) Daa... -DA-MI PE UNA DIN ELE! -(in soapta) Nu pooot... sunt ocupate! -GRRR, DAR ALTCINEVA MAI E PE ACASA??? -(in soapta) Mai sunt doi politisti... -BINE, DA-MI PE UNUL DIN EI! -(in soapta)Nu pot... sunt ocupaati... -DAR CE FAC, MAI??? -(in soapta) Ma cauta pe mineee...__________L ittle Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back.Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel.
   2009-07-08, 00:54:27 (62.24.89.*)
4. de danone:
   
   I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... They have nine lives or something.This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet. Mother fainted.___________P am and Bob agreed to one last-ditch effort to save their marriage: they went to a marriage counselor. Every session, however, turned into a long list of complaints about the other, endless recounting of the arguments they had, and pet peeves. "OK," the counselor said. "I think we need to start this week on a more positive note." "Like what?" Bob and Pam said, almost in unison. "Well, isn't there just one thing you have in common?" There was a long and uncomfortable silence. "Well, yes, there is!" Bob finally said, causing both Pam and the counselor to brighten. "Neither of us," he said, "will have sex with men...."__________A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. You must be the one who took our phone book."__________Thr ee railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself." The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself." The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself." The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day." The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day." "Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."__________ An extremely shy fellow brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to buy you some jewelry."
   2009-07-08, 00:58:58 (62.24.89.*)
5. de danone:
   
   An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh ,I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck! It's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" ____________Computer s are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows._________If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it._____________ Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!" ________ _that's all folks ! ... enjoy :)
   2009-07-08, 01:05:56 (62.24.89.*)
6. de dus rau:
   
   crazy people. gata danonino te-ai calmat? ti-ai facut numarul pe ziua de azi? te mai doare mintea? voci mai auzi?
   2009-07-08, 10:57:32 (193.230.156.*)
7. de hai Danone:
   
   Danone nu i lua in seama, daca nu le plac bancurile eu nu stiu de ce mai intra pe site? Tu contiuna, ca noi citim. Tine o tot asa
   2009-07-08, 12:23:50 (213.157.169.*)
8. de kalle anka:
   
   si noi citim, le mai traduc si la colegi, da-i nainte.... claxonez, sa vezi tu! :))
   2009-07-08, 12:26:07 (212.214.120.*)
9. de danone:
   
   @ kalle anka: :))))))) dar sa nu fie pana in 10 dimineata .. ca dorm :))))))) .. si nu o sa aud :))))))) ______@ no. 7: stai linistit ca ma lasa rece comentariile de genul ala si nu ma influenteaza in nici un fel :) .. __________@ no. 6: iti multumesc pentru grija ce mi-o porti :)) .. dar va trebui sa te refuz intr-un mod amabil intrucat nu-i nevoie sa te consumi pour moi, voi supravietuii :))))) =)))))))))))
   2009-07-08, 14:38:03 (195.78.53.*)